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Sunday, October 24, 2010

From Space To Dinosaurs

Rushing thoughts travel through my head,
In a trance of beautiful music,
The thoughts slow down when I go to bed,
What's this music that I pick?

I always get a message sent,
This one's telling me to be optimistic,
The beat's so fast, I don't know where it went,
What are they doing, is it a trick?

Don't know what I'm really thinking,
Where am I now, is it real?
So in awe, I just sit blanklessly blinking,
Smooth comfort is what I feel.

The bass rumbles through my brain,
Close my eyes, bob my head back and forth,
Now in a dark cart on this music train,
The train I'm sitting on is heading north.

"Tommy The Bat," is the name of the song,
Goes with how I'm feeling at the moment,
Infected Mushroom's not doing me wrong,
Now the track ripples, is it bent?

Boom, boom, boom, boom, stars shoot out,
Tracers appear, they are all yellow,
Traveling time and space in a roundabout,
Passing through rocks and stars, a floating dog says hello.

Aw ha, this song is a virtual voyage,
What is next to be seen?
This music's intense, it's ravage,
The number I'm thinking of is 14.

Rocket science, Bill Nye, chemistry class,
All pop into my head as I listen,
Swirling in a cloud of black mass,
Rapturous thoughts start to begin.

Running like a raptor, I then spit venom,
You cannot hide from me, can't you see,
If you need meat, I'll get you some,
What do I see, a terridactol in the tree.

That's my victim, you just wait a sec,
Bit down on his neck, dragged him down,
I thought I killed him, what the heck,
Then I rammed him with my solid bone crown.

Dead, that's right you terridactol,
Spit on his body, left him for the flies,
I tore apart his body, he was not whole,
Hey I got you your meat guys, aren't I wise?

From space to dinosaurs, what a trip,
I don't even have to eat mushrooms to get this,
It was fun traveling one the evil pirate ship,
There was no one as my accomplice.


Everything in my past brought me here now,
Sitting at the Alano Club writing poems,
Why is it that writing makes me feel free?
Feeling free is nice, so I write as much as I can.

In the past there's been lots of twists and turns,
At the time I never understand why,
Why I'm going through this pain and suffering,
It's so in the future I can relate and act more smart.

Besides the twists and turns, there's escalating times,
That's when things go great and I learn from joy,
Like learning if I'm happy, it affects everyone,
My energy is so powerful, it can cause love or havoc.

After escalating so high, it's obvious it goes back down,
That's the scary part, but that's when I learn the most,
The lower I go, the more I get to climb back up,
Falling hurts, but I get to stand up and fight back.

On this roller-coaster I call life,
I never know what's coming around the corner,
So scary and exciting, I get anxious to know what's next,
Never looking back cause, I won't be ready for what's ahead.

One this ride, right now I'm escalating,
Just learned from a decline, but I made it through with only a few cuts,
Whats on the ride next? I don't know,
But I'm buckled in and ready for any twist or turn.


I wish I could trust everyone alive,
But I can't, there's so many sick out there,
Trusting everyone, I don't think the time will arrive,
One's I do trust, with them, anything I can share.

Being able to be honest with someone is amazing,
Knowing I can trust someone re-leaves some stress,
Not having a secret inside is a blessing,
Keeping secrets inside makes me a mess.

Having others trust me is an honor,
That trust is a big responsibility,
Most people trust me like I trust my father,
Keeping their words to myself is an important capability.

I know that I'm trustworthy, it's in my blood,
If others don't trust me, that's ok,
You can pore it out on me, even if it's a huge flood,
I'll be there for you any and everyday.

Trusting someone makes me feel at peace,
Not trusting, I don't feel safe, don't feel real,
I told my sponsor all my secrets, it made me feel at ease,
Others secrets I'll never let anyone steal.

If I trust you, it's a really big deal,
If you trust me, I'll honor what you say,
I know I can trust God, It's an unbreakable seal,
I'll keep my trust true, every single day.

Friday, October 22, 2010

David Besleys Spirit

On October 20th I had a dream,
I know why I had it, I know what it does mean,
David came to visit me in my sleep,
It was for comfort, not to just reap.

Started out with me in a school,
This dream has become an important tool,
Then I just fainted or passed out,
Woke up in a jeep, what is this dream about?

I turned to the left to see who was driving,
It was David, he was smiling,
I was so happy to see him there,
David said he has something for me to share.

"Sorry, but aren't you supposed to be dead?"
"I'm here spiritually not physically, it's all in your head,"
I asked David lots of questions,
He told me I need to be careful with my actions.

We talked for quite a long time,
Asked him how life was, what I should do with mine,
"Have faith and know everything will be ok,
There's another life, but it's not your time or day."

Then he said he had to go,
I thanked him for everything he did show,
"I'll be by your side Kenny, always,"
I watched him leave, his body fades.

I had this dream to reassure me I'd be ok,
October 22nd is my suicide attempt day,
David let me know my life's worth living,
I have a lot of experience that's worth giving.

I'm so grateful for this eye opening experience,
David will always be with me in my sub-conscience,
"Thank you David for visiting me,
You opened my eyes and set my soul free."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Meds Suck

What am I taking to supposedly get happy?
Honestly they make me feel tired and crappy,
They mellow me out, bull shit,
I'm so sick of taking them, fuck it.

If I stop taking them, I'll get kicked out,
I'm usually pissed off or sad and want to shout,
I'm pretty sure I'm getting all the side effects,
Helps out a lot with my character defects.

As I swallow them down with water,
This one is an anti-stressor,
How about a mood stabilizer,
"Yes Kenny, this one's an endorphin riser."

What do they do? They make me a zombie,
Or crazy angry and I'm beastly,
Tired as hell, can't stay awake,
Every single smile I give is fake.

Honestly, I think they are making me worse,
Just as dead as the man in the hearse,
"Oh let's just up the dose, you'll be fine,"
What are all these chemicals doing in my bloodline?

I wish I didn't have to take meds,
I'm so sick of feeling like I have two heads,
But whatever, I'll keep taking them,
Even though I still cause mayhem.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Don't Want To Have My Mental Illness Rule My Life

Lately I've been a wreck,
I act out cause I want attention,
All of it is negative attention,
Why do I do this? Am I sick?

I pretty much rule over my family,
If I'm doing good then they are good,
If I'm doing bad, their lives are so affected,
Why do I have so much power over them?

I just went through a break up,
Started cutting deep again,
I like the feeling of physical pain so much more than the mental,
It feels good taking the razor to my skin.

Bi-polar and depression have been ruling my life,
I know it's not who I am,
It's just something I deal with,
But hell, why do I let this define me most of the time?

Maybe if I get off meds I'll be ok,
Or, life could get way out of hand,
I tried before and that was a failure,
I think I need to change my meds.

Maybe change psychiatrists, cause the one I have just ups the dosage,
I'm just confused, I always overreact,
I don't know why, but I let it take over,
Am I weak, or do I just not have faith in myself?

All I can think of is her, and it hurts,
When I see her I always want to cry,
I hear her laugh and I think of how to die,
Why do I let such little things affect me so much?

God, everyday I pray that I'll be ok,
Half the time it works,
The other half I'm just depressed,
Why can't you take it away for good?

I know if I do my best, life will get better,
But sitting in self-pity feels good for some reason,
I need some advice, could you help?
I just want to live a normal life.

I'm sorry family for ruining so many of your days,
I don't mean to, it's just how the tape plays,
Tomorrow's a new day, I hope I succeed,
I don't want to cut myself anymore and bleed.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

My Little Angel

Lily, you're my little angel,
Your laugh is like the sound of a beautiful bell,
Your presence is absolutely breath taking,
When you smile I know you're not faking.

You couldn't be a better little sister,
You're so fun to play with, you're a little trickster,
You bring joy and happiness to my heart,
Ya little stinker, you've always got a better fart.

You've made our family better in so many ways,
It's funny when you repeat what your big brother says,
You're amazing Lily and that's a fact,
Whenever you need me, I've always got your back.

You're so cool Lily, my little sis,
When you're not around, it's you I miss,
It's so hard to see you cry when you're sad,
You're a perfect little girl, nothing about you is bad.

It's so cool how fast you learned to swim,
Your big brothers are Henry, Kenny, and Tim,
You're our sister, and we'll always love you,
I love how you put 100 percent in everything you do.

Lily, your family loves you so, so, much,
If anyone picks on you, it'll be me giving them a punch,
Lily, let me know if there is anything I can do,
Love you Lily, and i know you'll always love me too.

My Big Brother

Henry, you're my big brother and always will be,
You've got so much passion for life, it inspires me,
Who was there every time I need help? You,
You mean so much to me, same with Tim and Lily too.

Your my big brother, I look up to you,
I loved it when we'd play The Simpson's Clue,
Risk, I hated cause you'd always win,
You're like Batman, I'm like Robin.

Your art is amazing, it gives me chills,
How do you do it? So what if you're not good with bills,
You're good at this game we call life,
Brynne is awesome, maybe someday she'll be your wife.

You're almost done with college, that's crazy,
It was fun when we'd drink and were both hazy,
Volleyball, it's been so cool to play on your team,
Your Ora is like a beautiful, blue, bright beam.

Henry, I wouldn't have anyone else as my older brother,
I know one day you'll be a loving and caring father,
Your future is looking pretty damn good,
Anything for you man, I would.

You mean so much to me, I want to be like you,
You're the best big brother, I really love you, I do,
Keep us the good work, your life is worth a ton more than a penny,
Like you've been there for me, I am for you, love your brother Kenny.

Whose Will Will I Choose?

I surrender to you, all mighty God,
My will no longer works, I need yours,
This is so important, I know you understand,
My life's gone to shambles, Help.

My will has gotten me in horrible places,
Cutting, attempting suicide, drugs, and more,
My will doesn't seem to work right,
Can I barrow yours? With it I'll put up a fight.

Your will working through me is astonishing!
I can put in a hard days work today,
Be happy, laugh, serve others, and love me,
I couldn't do it without you.

My will is not spiritual, it kills others spirituality,
Physically, I'll punch till their face is gone,
Mentally, yell at others till they cry uncontrollably,
Altogether, my will is Satan destroying mine and others lives.

Let you will work through me,
I'll change the world for the better,
Hey! I just figured out I already have it,
I've been doing so great and that's it.

I surrendered and you instantly acted,
I want to go tell the whole world,
Your will feels so good, I can't believe it,
I will change from who I've been, I know you've always got my back.
Thank you for your will God, I'll put it to good use.


Caught in a moment of silence,
What does it mean?
Everything at that time is one,
One with the universe, one with us all.

This silence is awkward, yet so calming,
Why does someone always seem to break it?
Can't we all be one for more than a second?
I guess not, it's not meant to be, at least yet.

Why is it when I'm alone is it silent?
I know there is more than just me there,
There's spirits, I just can't see or hear them,
Maybe cause I'm not silent in my brain.

When will I be able to hear those spirits?
Can I already? I just don't recognize it,
I'm supposed to learn from this silence,
But what, is it peace and harmony?

Past silence brought me to open my eyes,
To see what's happening and learn from it,
You don't have to hear something to now it's true,
Writing that, I guess silence is truth.

If silence is truth, what is noise?
Cause there seems to be a lot of it, even in my head,
I want this silence in my life forever,
I'll have to listen for it, wait till the noise is gone.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Where Will I Go?

The rocky pit of Hell now consumes my soul,
At least for the moment. I have a hole,
In my heart, it aches inside,
It's right now that I have to decide.

To work on me being happy and loving me,
If i do this, I know I'll be set free,
Not to, I'll stay in this misery of thinking,
I don't want to be a miserable human being.

What do I see? I'm perfect in my own way,
Or be sad, and Hell is where I'll stay,
If that's what i choose, you won't see the real me,
But choosing happiness is where I'm supposed to be.

Now to explain my Hell, I'm rotting every second,
My mind, body, and soul, up for grabs is recond,
Evil in my eyes, hatred in my heart,
The true me I am no longer a part.

My Heaven is me having peace and bliss,
Every negative experience and thought I won't miss,
I'll be true to myself and others around,
My mind, body, and soul will have been found.

Where to go? It's hard to choose but not,
Heaven or Hell? In this life I've only got one shot,
It's all or nothing, either way I'll give it my all,
Stand up tall and push forward, or I'll give up and fall.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Drug Effects

Mary Jane, now this one is great,
It causes you to laugh hysterically,
Look at life positively,
Get the munchies and pig out,
Ha ha ha, look at your chinked, red eyes!

Wait, it also causes you to loose brain cells,
You can become very lazy and just sit at home,
Did you know the highest suicide rate after quitting any drug is marijuana?

Mushrooms, now these were my favorite,
Hallucinate, see anything you want to see,
Laugh or cry uncontrollably,
Feel you're one with the universe,
Think like you've never thought before.

I heard it makes your brain bleed, but that could be a lie,
Once i cracked my fingers and I thought they all broke,
Also thought stuff was in my throat and I would start to choke.

Cocaine, now this one, damn I felt good,
The rush through your body gets you goin,
Get the drips and it's back in full effect,
I was invincible, I could do anything,
Did it with a girl, and I got lucky,
If you know what I mean!

Oh my, I had a friend who had to have surgery cause her nose collapsed,
Sometimes people won't eat for days on end,
When you come down, it sucks a nut,
All you want is more and more.

Heroine this is a drug I didn't do,
I've seen people though,
They would go numb,
Feel fucking great.

I don't know what else is good,
My friend would spend 500 dollars a day,
He'd fuck over his family to get it in any way,
People lie, cheat, and steal so they can get one more fix,
My friend lost his soul,
He looked like the living dead.

Drugs have shown me a different way of life,
Is that good or bad?
I've had great times,
I'll have memories I'll never forget,
Drugs are great, they opened my mind.

Because of drugs,
I've lost thousands of dollars,
Jail was fun,
I hurt my family numerous times,
It's caused me a lot of heart ache,
Friends have died and will keep dying.

Looking at some of the effects,
Would you do drugs?

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Starting Over

Everything I see reminds me of you,
Anywhere we went, anything we would do,
I ache as I go through these past memories,
All I can feel is our old energies.

Today as I awake, I pray,
Asking to see life differently I portray,
Am I capable of not living in the past?
God, help me get rid of this cast.

As I walk down the same old street,
I remember, that's where we'd meet,
Today, I feel as if I'm fine,
Usually I would whine.

That's weird, what's happening to me?
Oh wow, there's that old tree,
Together we'd sit and enjoy each other,
Look, a bird, there's one and there's another.

Aww, the movie theater,
Now it's positive emotions that occur,
Where did the negative ones go?
"Kenny, this is mine, not your show."

Oh ok, that's awesome, thanks a lot God,
"Your welcome Kenny, but this is your ballade."
So you're saying everything is my choice?
"Yes son." Hell ya! I'll be happy now, rejoice!

Now, I live in the present moment,
The smell of roses are potent,
The day is beautiful, I can breathe,
What's that? I can smile and show my teeth!

This poems to me, to help me see,
I live for myself right now, not we,
I can start over everyday,
I can be happy every single way.

I love me, I love me, I LOVE ME!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A New Life

Kenny, don't beat yourself up, you're still young,
There's plenty of fish in the sea,
What happened was for a good cause, trust me,
This is your spirit writing through you, believe.

Believe that there is a new life to be lived,
Tomorrow is a new day, you can start over,
What happened today, tomorrow it'll be done with,
So put your head up high, reach for the sky.

Your life is meant to be lived in happiness,
You're the only one who can take care of your wellness,
Leave behind the negative that's within,
Do your best everyday and you will win.

So what if you're bi-polar, your human,
Stop being a little boy and be a man,
Everyone goes through hard times, it's life,
Have faith that one day you'll find a beautiful wife.

Don't overreact to anything that goes the wrong way,
It's how God has put it in your life, ACCEPT IT,
If you do, your life will be 10 times easier,
I know you want it.

Be strong, don't give in to Satan's temptations,
I know it's hard but know you can overcome,
All it is, is that evil whisper in your head,
Be careful, that evil spirit wants you dead.

What are you going to do now Kenny?
I'm going to stop overreacting, have faith in myself,
Know that everything is in its right place,
Fight against Satan face to face.

I'll have faith in myself, do the right things,
Do my best, cause i deserve the best,
Push forward, even if it's just an inch,
I won't back down, not for anyone or anything.

Heaven can only help the ones who act,
So get up in the morning and know it's going to be a good day,
But on your boots and get to work Kenny Smith,
Life's worth living, so go for it!