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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I Don't Want To Have My Mental Illness Rule My Life

Lately I've been a wreck,
I act out cause I want attention,
All of it is negative attention,
Why do I do this? Am I sick?

I pretty much rule over my family,
If I'm doing good then they are good,
If I'm doing bad, their lives are so affected,
Why do I have so much power over them?

I just went through a break up,
Started cutting deep again,
I like the feeling of physical pain so much more than the mental,
It feels good taking the razor to my skin.

Bi-polar and depression have been ruling my life,
I know it's not who I am,
It's just something I deal with,
But hell, why do I let this define me most of the time?

Maybe if I get off meds I'll be ok,
Or, life could get way out of hand,
I tried before and that was a failure,
I think I need to change my meds.

Maybe change psychiatrists, cause the one I have just ups the dosage,
I'm just confused, I always overreact,
I don't know why, but I let it take over,
Am I weak, or do I just not have faith in myself?

All I can think of is her, and it hurts,
When I see her I always want to cry,
I hear her laugh and I think of how to die,
Why do I let such little things affect me so much?

God, everyday I pray that I'll be ok,
Half the time it works,
The other half I'm just depressed,
Why can't you take it away for good?

I know if I do my best, life will get better,
But sitting in self-pity feels good for some reason,
I need some advice, could you help?
I just want to live a normal life.

I'm sorry family for ruining so many of your days,
I don't mean to, it's just how the tape plays,
Tomorrow's a new day, I hope I succeed,
I don't want to cut myself anymore and bleed.

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