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Thursday, August 18, 2011


10/22/08= Tangled Up In Blue

         Half of a family size bottle of Tylenol, next, two prescriptions of Trazedone.  Listening to Bob Dylan's song "Tangled Up In Blue."  It was stuck in my head.  I just kept listening, getting sadder every time I listened to it.  I've gone this far, I think it's time to finish it.  I turned on the shower, grabbed my razors, and went at it.  Four main cuts on my left wrist with tons of other little cuts each way.  I thought I was done cutting but I changed my mind.  I did one more cut inside another big cut.  Ok, now I was bleeding a lot.  I was in that shower for AN HOUR AND A HALF!  Why am I still here?  Here's the rest of my great story.
The hour and a half that I was in that shower dying, I'll never be able to explain to it's fullest extent.  This writing is the closet I'll be able to tell you what happened that day.  To begin, the first thing I experienced was a lose of balance.  The more time that passed, the less I could control my body.  Eventually my heart beat skipped. I saw double and triple.  I'd close my eyes but nothing changed.  Soon I had to sit down because I'd lost all my balance.  Trying to stand up I would fall right down to my ass.  My knees and back shaking terribly like the shakes you get when you're freezing cold.  I knew I was dying.  I could feel Satan there, waiting by my side, making me smile and laugh.  I was on my way to the other side.
Still just sitting in the shower, huddled up in a ball.  I wish I could remember everything that went on in my head while I was in the shower.  What I did know is that I wanted to die and I hated my life.  Soon, I couldn't take it anymore, the shower was freezing.  I had used up all the hot water.  So I turned the shower off and got out.  This is where everything went wrong.  My body wasn't right.  I had no balance, and I couldn't see straight.  So I stumbled out of the shower and grabbed a towel.  I lost all my balance and started to fall everywhere.  I put my arm out to catch myself.  I used the arm that I cut to help me stay up.  When I looked at the counter there was a bunch of blood.  I used the towel to clean it up.  SHIT, I lost my balance again, again, and agian.  Each time getting the bathroom bloodier.  It wasn't just the blood though, I was knocking everything over in the bathroom.  Soon, the bathroom was all bloody, it was a total mess.  This was literally Hell on earth, at least to me.
BANG!  BANG!  BANG!   On the bathroom door!  "What the fuck's going on in there bro? You've been in there forever!"  It was my friend Josh.  "Open the door or I'm breaking it down, you know I can."  I stumbled over to the door, it took me 30 seconds to unlock that impossible knob.  I opened the door a little, then Josh puched me.  He thought I'd relapsed because my eyes were bloodshot.  The the door opened more.  Josh sees all the blood.  "What the fuck dude, where is all that blood coming from?"  I showed him my wrist and he asked me why I had done it but I had lost so much blood I couldn't speak.  I was very, very, close to dying.
So Josh went into survival mode to make sure his best boy lived.  I was naked and couldn't walk.  Josh threw me some underwear but I couldn't put them on.  So Josh wrapped one of my blankets around me.  He carried me down three flights of stairs.  He put me in my car and started to rush to the hospital.  I wa freezing and wanted to be warm so I turned on the heat.  Josh turned it off and turned on the AC.  He told me that the cold would slow down my blood flow.  That might have been the only thing that saved me from dying before I got to the hospital.  Josh was yelling, screaming, punching and doing everything he could to keep me awake and have my eyes open.
We pulled up to the hospital.Josh jumped out of the car, ran and grabbed a wheelchair for me.  He rushed me into the hospital and started screaming as loud as he could.  Instantly all eyes were on me.  With a snap of a finger the doctors had me in a room.  A girl started stiching me up, then the doctors started asking me questions, but I still couldn't talk.  They were going to pump my stomach but it had been too long since I took all the pills.  The saddest memory I'll have forever is while I was being worked on.  I was looking at the door and who turns the corner, my mom!  She saw me, fell to her knees, and started crying.  Her baby boy might die.  Then the doctor said to me, "You can close your eyes now."  Finally, I could close my eyes.  I was saved.
I woke up the next day with family and friends standing by my side.  Seeing all of these people that were in the room that day, changed my life.  I realized how important my family is to me, and that I was loved.  Later, I was joined by my friends and family.  Thery were all by my side the whole time I was in the hospital.  I'm very grateful for waking up to them.  It made me realize my family and real friends always have my back and that I have theirs too.  As for my friend Josh, I pretty much owe him my life.  I would be dead if it weren't for him acting so fast and wanted me to live.  I'm forever grateful.  So Josh, if you read this, thank you.
My suicide attempt has totally changed my life.  My whole perspective has changed on what is and isn't important.  I try to be a lot more grateful too.  Life can change in one second, believe me.  I still have my ups and downs that I deal with on a daily basis, but I need to remember I'm not the only one that goes through hard times.  Life is a rollercoaster, so I'm just going to sit down and enjoy as much of the ride as I can.  Thank you for those who read my story.  It means a great deal to me.  Much love sent your way.  I hope my story might have somewhat inspired you.  :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love your poetry and your story. I have a son 23 and his groove lines yours. He likes to write and do art.
I wonder about your diagnosis of bipolar. My son was misdiagnosed for years. Self-harming, mad mood swings depending on what is happening in your life, feelings of being empty, dissociating, black and white thinking are all signs of borderline personality disorder. Just wondering.......
Your authenticity rocks!